Wednesday, April 7, 2010

He is not surprised...

One thing that brings me peace is that nothing that happens to my family is a surprise to God.  When something comes our way that is unexpected and maybe even scary, I can take comfort in knowing that this circumstance did not sneak up on God.  He doesn't stop and say, "Oh, did THAT happen..." 
He knew, when Jake accepted the day-job he currently has that it would cost us over $300 per month in Jake's gas bill alone.  He knew, when we were planning on using our tax money to buy a cheap used car with better gas mileage that we weren't going to get back even half of what we thought we would, so that idea was out the window.  He knew that Jake's jeep would break down on the way to work this morning.  He knew that it would cost us over $600 to fix it.  He knew that our kitchen sink would break and flood our kitchen and cause us to have to shut off the water to the kitchen area, causing dishes upon dishes to pile up b/c they can't be washed until the problem can be fixed.  (Which probably isn't too big of a project, but Jake is so busy between the children's ministry at Northstar, taking 3 classes in seminary and working 40+ hours a week, he isn't home often enough to fix it)
None of this came as a surprise to Him, and the outcome won't be a surprise either.
I say all this to myself more than to anyone else, because I needed a reminder of that today.  Not only is He all-knowing, He is all-sufficient.  I am not only to believe IN Him, but to simply BELIEVE Him.  The reason I can believe Him and trust Him to see us through all of this is because He has seen us through every "surprise" before.  Not once has He ever let us down, and He won't this time either.
Will it all turn out the way I hope?  Probably not.  But it will turn out the way He plans, if we simply allow Him control and turn our worrying and stress over to Him.  His shoulders are much bigger and can handle all of this much more easily than I can.
Honestly, even as I write this, my stomach is churning, trying to figure out how to pay for all of this.  I'm quite literally to the point of making myself sick, not only because of all the stuff that's been thrown at us, but because I'm openly admitting it to you.  That is very hard for me.  Sharing imperfections and problems isn't easy for me to do.  I would much rather keep it private, bottled up inside, and let people believe we live a charmed life, free of worry or debt or problems...admitting "worries" to someone, even my closest friends and family, is the hardest thing in the world for me.  I'd rather hide behind my nice little wall I've built up around myself for protection.  Admitting insecurities and problems that arise makes me feel a couple of things...perhaps a brief moment of, "Wow, it feels better to get this off my shoulders," and then the horrible feeling of, "Why on earth did I say anything to anyone, what are people going to think, are they going to look down on me, judge me, feel sorry for me....."  That's usually the feeling that wins out in the end, as I'm sure it will today once I hit "publish" and this is out there for you to read.
But, for some reason I felt the need to be real, at least for a moment.  I'm definitely not perfect, and I don't want anyone to get the idea that I think that.  I don't.  Believe me.  Reading in my quiet time today that God wants to be able to boast about me, that I should be the physical representation of His beauty...well, I feel so completely undeserving to even consider that.  But what an honor that would be, to have God boast of me, "Look at her!  Doesn't she look just like My Son?"  Wow.  What an honor that would be.

For now, though, I am simply going to hold onto the faith that He will see us through.  Always has, always will.

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