King David said in 2 Samuel 15:26, "Behold, here I am, let Him do to me what seems good to Him."
David was described as a man after God's own heart, yet even he, in the midst of trials, let the world and fears take his focus away from the LORD. So many times throughout his life we read how he allowed circumstance to dictate his joy, his life, his relationship with God.
But, each and every time he ran back to God, Who accepted him with open arms. This verse is one of those times. He presented himself before God and said, basically, "I'm yours, do with me what you want."
As many of you reading this know, I have been faced with a circumstance lately for which I was not prepared. Not that anyone is prepared to here, "We've found rapidly developing abnormal cells and if something is not done soon, they will be cancer."
No one expects or wants to hear their dreams shattered. With all my heart I wanted more children. Unlike most women I loved every minute of my pregnancies. Even though I was horribly ill and they almost killed me, I loved it. If you were to ask anyone in my family what I said when asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" They would immediately say I answered, "A wife and a mommy." As a very young child I would say I wanted 5 children. As an adult, I would say I wanted 4. I prayed for specifics with both JD and Cora. I wanted a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy and a brown-haired, blue-eyed girl.
Somewhere inside I knew more children were probably not an option. Unknown to most people, I have had several miscarriages. I'd been told by more than one doctor that a hysterectomy was in my future, but still I held on to that dream, that desire. It was like a death when that "probably" became a emphatic and resounding, "no".
Throughout the past few weeks, as we've dealt with the news and the pending surgery and possible further treatment, if cancer is found, God has been speaking to me in numerous ways. He has led me to verses in the Bible, ones I've read 100's of times before but that suddenly spoke directly to me. He's used friends to speak truths into my life. He has used the senior pastor at my church to speak from the pulpit exactly what I needed to hear. He has shown Himself in a mighty way and is going to prove Himself Mighty!
One thing that has really been pulsating through me is that I want my life to be for His glory. I don't want that to just be lip-service. I don't want it to be something I just say, but not strive for and believe with all that I am. I am His. My life was created so that He could be glorified through it. When all is said and done what I want more than anything is to have that said of me. And if I truly want that, truly believe that, then this too is for His glory. He has allowed these cells so that through my hurting, through my fear of the unknown, through my surgery and possible future treatment, He could be glorified.
Jesus, when the cross was looming in the immediate future, prayed not once, but 3 times, for that cup to pass from Him. But, each time He prayed He said, "Not My will, but Yours."
God's plans aren't always ours--His way of doing things/accomplishing things isn't always the way we would do it...But know this, He has your best interest at heart. He wants only what is good for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean what we, as humans, think of as "good". No, His good is whatever it takes to accomplish His will and show Himself glorified.
When I was in junior high I learned a verse that really became my life-verse. It is one that through the years has come to mind many times and that I've prayed over and over. Psalm 31: 14-15a says, "But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God. My times are in your hands."
As I've said in previous blogs, nothing that happens to me is a surprise to God. He wasn't shocked to find out I have these cells in my body. He knew and predestined every breath that I will have before I was created. He knows exactly how many days I will live and it won't be one more or less. He IS my God and my times ARE in His hands. More than anything, this brings me comfort.
I'm not saying I haven't been scared, worried, upset, stressed...I have, believe me! I've had moments of shear fear and worry. I've broken down more than once in tears. But, each and every time, He has comforted me.
Two verses He brought me to are in John 11. Verse 4 says, "This sickness is not fatal. It will become an occasion to show God's glory by glorifying God's Son." And verse 40 says, "Didn't I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
God wants to use these circumstances to prove Himself mighty so that He might be glorified.
I want Him to use me in whatever capacity He sees fit. If I say that I can't just change my mind when things don't go the way I had planned. If I want to live a life glorifying to God I have to do this through the good and the bad.
What happens when dreams are shattered? He plants new ones in your heart.
This was not the way I planned things, this isn't the way I would do it, but, nevertheless, not my will but Yours.