Monday, February 10, 2014

7 Years Later

     Today is February 10th, which makes it my least favorite day of the year. This is the day my daddy went home.  But I can't just hate this day.  I can't simply hate February 10th. I have to acknowledge other emotions as well.  I know he is no longer in pain, and for the past 7 years has been face-to-face with Jesus.  That's cause for celebration.  So I'm stuck in this alternate dimension that mixes so many emotions it's hard to name them all.  I have joy knowing he is in heaven.  But I still have so much sadness, even now, even 7 years later.  There are still so many times I want to pick up the phone and ask him a question.  I hate that his grandkids don't get to spend time with him.  I miss our dates, that we still took even when I became an adult.  I still dream about him every night.
     Today is February 10th.  This day will always play such a pivotal role in my life.  It was the day I not only lost my daddy, but one of my very best friends. If ever there was a daddy's girl, it was me...almost to a fault.  I couldn't stay mad at him if I tried.  He was not a perfect man by far.  There are moments that play in my mind's eye I wish I could erase.  Moments I wish never happened.  But they did and for better or worse I am who I am because of those moments.  But I am also who I am because of the millions upon millions of wonderful, exceptional, perfect moments I had with my daddy.  Moments where it was just the two of us and the whole world faded away.  Moments where we'd be driving somewhere and we'd belt out songs, laugh, and have deep discussions.  Moments I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world.
     Today is February 10th.  Part of me feels like a lost little girl on this day.  I truly do hate this day.  Even though I know he suffered way too long.  Even though I know Christ was his savior and he is now in heaven.  Even though I know he was ready.  I hate this day.  I will always hate this day.
     Today is February 10th, and as has become my custom since his death, I am writing my reflections, my tribute to my daddy.  I wonder after so many years if I have anything new to add or if I am just spinning out the same old blog year after year.  But here I sit, writing again.  
     Today is February 10th.  I knew this day was coming up, but I was so busy with the kids' school this morning I forgot for a brief moment what the date was.  It didn't take long to remember, but for that brief moment it was just a normal day, a day like any other.   
     Today is February 10th.  Those of you who have been reading my tributes each year know how special, how wonderful my daddy was.  Those of you who had the privilege of actually knowing him know my words don't come close to describing that.  Even recently I heard stories of people who were impacted by my daddy's life.  May I have a life so impactful to the world!
    Today is February 10th, and this year my tribute is going to be different.  So bare with me as I attempt to get this out.

I hate that you were taken from me.
It's hard to think, hard to breathe.
Even now, as the years have passed,
I still feel your life was taken way too fast.
I remember often the days we spent
laughing and talking and all the places we went.
I know to celebrate your lack of pain
But this world without you is just not the same.
You bore so many hats in life,
You were Doug, Uncle Doug, Grandaddy and the like.
But to your kids there was only one thing we knew
You were daddy. No other name would do.
One day soon we will meet again,
and in that moment it won't matter how long it's been.
As we worship the Father and walk through heaven
I won't even remember February 10, 2007.

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